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"Stepmother" has become a byword for twisted, malicious maternal femininity, yet even the worst versions enshired on film are deliciously rotten, vamping around with smoky eyes and an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Following the success of our Top 10 Worst Movie Mothers, we round up the Top 10 Worst Movie Stepmothers (and Almost-Stepmothers).
1. Snow White
Ordering a flunky to kill your stepdaughter is bad enough. But personally trying to poison your husband's child with laced apples is pretty much as bad as it gets. That's why Snow White's wicked stepmother takes our top spot. The mother of evil stepmothers. The queen demands Snow White's heart, gift wrapped.
2. Cinderella
The tagline to this story could be, “My stepmother inherited my dad’s fortune and all I got was this pair of Marigolds.” Walt Disney’s original animated movie is a classic and the story has been retold in countless versions, including an Oscar-nominated 1971 musical starring Richard Chamberlain. In that version, royal ministers conspire to send Cinderella away even after her Prince has come, adding insult to injury. Watch a fan's mashup
3. Stepmom
It’s every film studio executive’s dream. After you divorce the older, demanding mother of your children (Susan Sarandon), you meet the young and beautiful Julia Roberts who wants to play stepmom to your kids. Bonus: your wife dies of cancer after everyone makes friends, so you can move on without any emotional hangover (or financial maintenance). Roberts’s character isn’t so much evil as clueless, one-dimensional and very very annoying. Trailer
4. Enchanted
The stepmother in this 2007 Disney princess story isn't related to the protagonist Giselle. The Queen Narissa (Susan Sarandon) is stepmum to Prince Edward and she pushes Giselle down a magic well to keep them apart. The well actually leads to New York City , where Giselle finds true love with Dr. McDreamy. Oh wait, that's Seattle and Grey's Anatomy. Anyway, forgetting the slightly creepy outcome where the young girl marries the 40something guy, the movie does feature Sarandon sporting seriously fierce eye makeup and stomping around in fabulous high dudgeon. See Sarandon work her look.
5. St Elmo's Fire
You never see the stepmonster that Jules (Demi Moore) is obsessing over. But she's dying and, in a cocaine-addled hysteria, Jules prattles on about how she can arrange a cheap funeral, with ideas such as dressing up her stepmum as a large cat. Driven by her obsession and fuelled by hate of her stepmother, Jules dates dodgy guys with sportscars, has empty sex and eventually has a nervous breakdown. Some websites claim the movie coined the term “step-monster”. Seems unlikely, but then again it briefly turned Judd Nelson into a sex symbol, so anything’s possible. Trailer and an almost unwatchable music video
6. My Stepmother Is an Alien
Kim Basinger as Celeste comes to earth and seduces Dan Akroyd’s Steven Mills - talk about an alien concept. Mills’s daughter (Alyson Hannigan) notices Celeste’s out-of-this-world behaviour but in the end, no, wait we won’t ruin it for you. Celeste is perhaps the worst stepmother on our list as a result of being in the worst movie on the list. Trailer
7. Juno
This one isn't strictly a wicked stepmother. In fact Juno's stepmother takes the tough-but-kind approach to the teenager, who is pregnant at 16. On hearing the unexpected news she says: "I was hoping she was expelled or into hard drugs." Trailer
8. Wicked Stepmother
This was the last film Bette Davis starred in; she died a few months after it was released. Davis plays a witch who marries Sam (Lionel Stander), to the objection of her new stepdaughter, a vegetarian. She chainsmokes, she eats meat and she's got Bette Davis eyes. Spooky. Scene from Wicked Stepmother featuring Tom Bosley.
9. Nanny McPhee
Emma Thompson wrote the screenplay to this magical movie, in which Celia Imrie plays the odious widow Selma Quickly. While she doesn’t actually succeed in becoming stepmother to Colin Firth's seven children, the cartoonishly oversexed Mrs Quickly is odious and terrifying, even snapping the children’s beloved rattle – their only memento of their mother. Luckily this evil stepmother flees after the cake fight and the beautiful and kind scullery maid is installed as loving stepmum. Awwwww. Trailer
10. The Sound of Music
The beautiful, materialistic and vain Baroness Schrader (Eleanor Parker) is the psychic twin of Disney stepmums, right down the wool she pulls over the eyes of her fiance Captain von Trapp. Once they’re hitched, she plans to pack away that adorable all-singing all-dancing brood to boarding school. Naturally she is eventually sent packing by a nun gone wild. Yet according to research for a play for BBC Radio 4, in reality it was the young nun who was pushy and manipulative, while the older Baroness was poorly treated by the Captain before being jilted. Score one for the other side. Trailer
I always knew it was going to happen at some point. It would be weird if it didn't. Yet I have to admit, my blood did chill last night when I tuned into the kids' Barbie game. They were all on the rug with their friend - who we'll now refer to as "Barbara", mainly because I find the idea of calling a 7-year-old girl "Barbara" amusing.
"So pretend they take all their clothes off, yeah," "Barbara" was saying. "They all take their clothes off, and then start sexing on the floor."
Oh God, just typing it has made me bite my knuckles again, and go "arghk" a bit. I mean, kids do play games that mention sex at some point, don't they? That's just nature. The world would eventually be empty if they didn't. From the moment I conceived my kids, we were all just moving towards the day they'd invite a slightly more precocious friend over, and the slightly more precocious friend got all the Barbies to "sex" on the floor. I KNOW ALL THIS. And yet, I still feel odd and rattled and, if I'm being honest, a bit tetchy about the whole thing. This is for a panoply of reasons. Mainly:
1) I don't really like the kid who was introducing my kids to "sexing" games. I think this is my fundamental bug-bear. "Barbara" is from a bit of a precocious family. Her eight-year-old brother is notorious amongst the Dirty Mummies for having shown one of his friends transsexual porn on the net. "Did you know ladies can have willies?" he started a conversation we are still enjoyably aghast about. If the kids had had their first Barbie sex game with a kid I liked - one who was getting some good, human comic material out of it - then fair enough. Maddie! Tom! Ryan! You're all welcome to start Barbie sex games whenever you like. But "Barbara"'s Barbie sex was a bit - cold, and pitiless. I didn't like her Barbie sex-game technique. It was off-putting.
2) It wasn't just Barbies she was sexing with - it was the High School Musical dolls, too. It's understandable if she wants to make Barbie hump Ken. That's Barbie and Ken. That's clearly the way they roll. But Gabriella and Troy? It just goes against the grain. A Braniac like Gabriella would never sex Troy on the floor in front of Sharpay, Ryan, and a Daddy Pig figurine who just happened to be nearby. "Barbara" couldn't even get the dolls to have sex in character, for crying out loud. What kind of an amatuer were my girls working with?
3) Most importantly of all: it made Eavie cry. She didn't want to take all the dolls' clothes off - she wanted they to drive down to the beach in their pink car, instead, and go for a swim. There's something about a five-year-old girl crying because a seven-year-old girl wants her dolls to have sex against her will that makes you, to be frank, want to ring up Barbara's mother, and shout 'WHAT THE HELL HOUSE ARE YOU RUNNING, YOU FREAK? YOUR KID IS INSTIGATING A PLASTIC GANG-BANG IN MY PLAYROOM AND SHE'S NOT EVEN GETTING ANY DECENT GAGS OUT OF IT. HAVEN'T YOU TAUGHT HER THAT SEX IS A GREAT BIG JOKE? I AM DESPAIRING OF YOU AS I SPEAK."
I haven't, of course. I just said, "Ho ho ho - Barbara's a bit silly with all her sexing, isn't she?" to the kids, once she'd left. But oooooooh, it's left me a trifle mardy. I had to go and put Gabriella's clothes back on, and then put her sitting, primly, on a shelf, before I felt halfway settled again.
Children are behaving like animals. At least that's what adults think, according to a new poll commissioned by Barnardo's. It found that 49 per cent of adults think children are increasingly dangerous to each other and adults. According to Barnardo's chief executive, people blame children for "up to half of all crime" yet they are only responsible for 12 per cent of criminal activity. In fact, a Barnardo's report shows that half of 16- to 19-year-olds help informally in their communities and a third to formal voluntary work.
But it's not the feeling you get on the street. The jostling, loud group of pre-teens and teens outside the school in my neighbourhood sometimes seems simply self-absorbed and clueless (which pertains to all teens, doesn't it?). Other times, as they smoke cigarettes and spliffs on the steps of nearby schools, yell curse words, drop rubbish and barge past adults on the sidewalk, their behaviour veers from rude to threatening.
Maybe it's just the worst examples that catch our attention. Maybe - and I suspect this is true as well - a lot of us don't remember that we acted just the same way when we were kids, when we thought we were cool and grown-ups were morons, when so much of our behaviour was performed for the benefit of our friends. Sometimes I feel myself infected by the kind of thinking demontrated in the Barnardo's poll.
I like to remind myself of a situation a petite, 20something friend of witnessed near Hatfield. A group of young teen boys boarded the train, pushing, yelling and generally taking over. Two slumped into seats next to her, one propping his feet on the seat opposite, while their friends hovered in the aisle. She put down her book and said, "Excuse me, could you take your feet off the seat? It makes them dirty."
"I'm sorry about that miss," the boy said, putting his feet on the floor.
It doesn't always pay to intervene with groups of youths. Sometimes it's dangerous or even lethal. But my friend's experience helps me remember that being loud, or silly, or even stupid doesn't necessarily make someone a bad kid.
Have you ever spoken up when you saw a child or youth doing something you objected to? Take the poll and post your comments below.
Alpha Mummy contributor Jenny Colgan (pictured right in a stock author shot) writes:
Did we really need the pictures? Did we really need to know precisely how and where the chocolate was smeared over Baby P's face to hide his horrific injuries? Is it going to help us? What's it for? Who is it for? Is it in case we in some way haven't realised that this case is actually quite serious? To give us ideas for fobbing off the social? Is it, heaven forbid, to sell more papers?
One of my littlies is a blond-haired, blue-eyed sixteen-month-old. But whoever and wherever yours are, you're feeling it. We're all feeling it, okay? So why the horrifically detailed overkill?
Janice Turner wrote an excellent piece in Saturday's paper on the pornography of the reporting. Because it's not like this is a war, where we need to understand what is happening, who is at fault, what the causes are. It's not even a complicated trial, as far as I understand it. It is hopeless, wicked evil that could only be perpetuated by someone who was also trapped in a cycle of hopeless, wicked evil. There are not two sides to this argument; and if Haringey Social Services were unable to learn from the memories, branded in all our heads, of Victoria Climbie in a bath tub, then being drenched in yet more horror is hardly likely to be educational to the rest of us.
There are papers I don't buy because I don't like a big pair of breasts staring up at me over my morning coffee. And there are papers I now can't buy because of the almost salaciously obscene detailing of their content. I always thought that the success of the 'Please Daddy No/Child Called It' genre was because if you were worried about how you were doing as a parent you could always reassure yourself with, 'Well, at least I've not chained them up in the snow in a kennel and made them eat paint, so I can't be that bad'. But now I'm wondering if it might be a little more worrying than that.
Where has this appetite sprung from? And when everyone was so upset about two silly comedians making phone calls, am I the only one upset by the media's handling of this?
 Lorraine Jenkin, Alpha Mummy reader and author of Chocolate Mousse and Two Spoons, writes in with this observation about the Children in Need activities that go on at her kids' school. (Visit her blog at lorrainejenkin.blogspot.com and see left for her contemplative author's headshot.)
Who benefits most from Children In Need - children in need or Asda?
When we have a bucket rattled through our car window by a large woman dressed as a St Trinian girl, we know that Children in Need day is nigh. We are all aware of Children in Need and the amazing benefits that it brings to people around the world. However, I never knew that one of the beneficiaries should be your local Asda.
Yesterday, I was chatting with parents from the neighbouring primary school. They were berating a Children In Need day with a fancy dress theme of “someone who helps us.” Apart from my friend’s daughter (who wanted to be God), the majority wanted to dress up as nurses, firemen or policemen. The parents were discussing how far they had to go, in distance and effort, to get their outfits.
The irony of driving somewhere, often quite far, to spend money on buying a costume used to raise money for a charity was not lost on them, and most were aware of how daft it was. However, they were still all doing it (apart from my friend who was finding that a sheet and plenty of cotton wool was more than adequate.)
The situation was aggravated by the release of the Nativity Play casting list, so there was also a need for an angel’s costume, a lamb outfit or, rather less available, a donkey suit. One father had left his daughter’s firefighter outfit in the shop and was on his way to ask for it back – I told him he was lucky she hadn’t wanted to be a nurse…
My point obviously is that this is a ridiculous scenario and if people gave the money they were prepared to pay on the event to the cause itself, Children In Need’s coffers would rise ten-fold. However, I am also aware that it is about more than simply money: Children in Need day is for having fun, raising awareness and joining in.
Therefore, I would like to make a call for the comeback of cobbled together fancy-dress outfits. Let's not make events about going to Tesco or Asda. Let’s make the credit crunch work for us and have Wellie boots and pyjama trousers for pirates, dressing-gowns and tea-towels for shepherds, pillow case dresses and wire coat hangers with tinsel hanging off for angels. Painting an egg box green beats standing in a queue with a crocodile outfit any day of the week.
Ever found out that some of your darkest, deepest secrets have innocently been revealed to your child's teacher and a class full of under-sevens?
That, it turns out, is the experience of many parents when they nervously tip toe into school for parents' evening.
Click here to read School Gate editor Sarah Ebner's account of how she discovered her daughter thought she was 'cross' and her husband was a 'soft touch'.
 My daughter's first bake sale is happening today, which means naturally I only remembered around 8:30 last night that I had to bake cupcakes to take to school. I actually love to bake from scratch but last night I was seduced by the Sainsbury's Victoria sponge mix in the cupboard. I pulled out a recipe from my mother of a frosting made from margarine, frozen raspberries and an entire box of icing sugar.
The cupcakes came out brilliantly - moist on the inside, browned on top (I tasted one just to make sure it was cooked through, for scientific reasons). But the mix only made 6 cupcakes. So I had to break into a Barbie cake mix my daughter had. Then the frosting had gone hard and had to be reheated.
All this for a bunch of kids who would probably be satisfied with gently distressed store-bought cakes as described in Allison Pearson's I Don't Know How She Does It.
So 'fess up. How do you make goodies for school? Straight out of the box or milled from wheat, with love?
You may have noticed that's it's taking longer for your comments to appear on the blog. We've had to institute moderation as a result of some comments.
I'll be approving comments as quickly and as frequently as I can, but unfortunately with hot-button issues we occasionally get comments on the blog that don't fit our Terms and Conditions and/or violate the publishing rules and standards the Times has to abide by.
While Guy might be a beleagured father, families headed by dads are getting more support in society. Single men are being encouraged to adopt and gay couples get the nod now too. Tories want to remove the stigma of inter-racial couples adopting as well.
Does this herald an opening of the British mind or is it more a function of the state of adoption, that after years of tightening regulations (no smoking if you want to adopt), the state is waking up to the number of children who need to find homes?
I can't even read the stories about Baby P and how he suffered. It's hard to untangle one's emotional response to this story. Pure fury at the adults in the child's home. Anger at the child protection services for allowing the baby to suffer and die. Impotence at the surety that government will "investigate" and in the end do little to ensure it doesn't happen again. (Theodore Dalrymple writes incisively today in the Times about Why we can't be surprised by the death of Baby P.)
The case of Madeleine McCann electrified the UK, with the fear of the evil "out there". Now we have another example of the evil inside a family. It's something I and every parent I know has experienced - a moment where we feel angry, out of control, and capable of harming the child we love. For our own families we control the impulse til it passes.
Yet as a society we have to protect those who can't protect themselves (as Dalrymple points out, the social worker's client isn't the parent who needs the housing or wants one more chance but the baby who's covered in bruises and had its back broken). Yet as individuals what can we actually do?
What was your response to the story of Baby P?
UPDATE: The Baby P case is starting a row in the Commons.
 When Guy Ritchie met his children at the airport this week, he reportedly didn't just receive hugs and kisses. He also got a list from Madonna's PA of do's and don'ts for the kids during their stay. These supposedly included eating only macrobiotic, vegetarian, organic food; not watching any TV or DVDs or reading any newspapers ("No FT? Aww, mum!") and drinking only Kabbalah water.
Whether you believe she set out these strictures depends on how much you trust the Daily Mail. But Ritchie and Madonna just separated weeks ago (although in media time, that already feels like years). Before that he was presumably living with the kids and looking after them as usual. (For a while there it seemed that all pictures of the couple showed Madonna out and about in the adult world while Guy was pushing Rocco on a bicycle and otherwise being daddy.) So why does he need a list of the responsibilities he fulfilled before then?
It's not just an academic celebrity question. Most couples I know have tension in their relationships when dad takes over and mums tries to stage direct from the wings. "They don't eat their spaghetti like that" or "That's not how she does her hair for school" or even "You're folding the towels wrong". Almost every dad I know has experienced it and every mum I know has guiltily admitted interfering, even though she knows it sets her partner's teeth on edge and that the kids will be fine even if dad does it a different way.
We've come a long way baby but we still don't treat dads the same, even in "equal" partnerships where both parents share the cooking, school run, disclipline and playtime. Inevitably when Dad looks after Junior, he's "giving mum a break" or "babysitting". When Mum does it, it justs her job.
Sometimes this translates into bestowing a "good dad award" on any man who deigns to wipe a nose or change a nappy. But other times it grows out of mothers not wanting to step aside (and perhaps lose their vaunted place of house CEO and martyr-number-one?) and let fathers do it their way.
I know I'm guilty of "suggesting" that my husband feed the kids certain things (macrobiotic meals not included) or "advising" him on exactly the right kind of baby shampoo. But I'm trying to reign myself in. After all, he's a great dad without my interference, and besides, every CEO has got to delegate sometimes.
Londonmumsblog.com has started a Best of the British Mummy Bloggers "carnival" to promote bloggers writing about being a parent. Kind of like regular Carnival, except without the headdresses and bikinis, but with just as much enthusiasm.
According to the NYTimes, 15 million women have their own blogs. "Mommyblogging" is a big deal in the US. The annual conference for Blogher - a women's online blogging community - featured discussions about it last year.
The "carnival" gathers together the best posts from a varity of mummy blogs once a month. Every month it's hosted by a different blog, which will post the list of the best of the best (look for Alpha Mummy to host in January).
Until then, click through to read posts from a whole range of mummy blogs, including:
Part Mummy, Part Me on marrying with a five-year-old daughter: Mummy, it's my wedding too!
Samantha Smythe's (aka Lucy Cavendish's) Modern Family Blog on losing weight.
Vote on your favourite. (May I respectfully suggest Alpha Mummy's I hope my daughter isn't a virgin when she marries post, which generated loads of thoughtful discussion about coping with young girls' sexuality?)
 Usually room decorations for kids range from twee to terrifyingly branded. But Wee Gallery produces wall graphics - along with art cards and mobiles - that stimulate babies with black and white drawings of squirrels, butterflies, fish and more, in swirly shapes. They're an alternative to the lovely yet ubiquitous Manhattan Toys' black and white Infant Stim Mobile.
The creators are Dave Pinto, a teacher, and Surya Sajnani, a graphic designer, who started producing the cards and other items after the response they got from their son Sid.
Of course there are all kinds of studies showing that high-contrast patterns are as exciting to babies as lower mortgage rates are to grown-ups. But rather than banging on about doing flash card drills to educate your 2 month old, I say get the wall decals to give yourself a stylish break from cutesy-poo puppies motifs.
Jelly is cool again, evidenced by music producer supremo and groovy guy extraordinaire Mark Ronson ordering one in the shape of St Paul's Cathedral for his £30,000 birthday party. But let's face it, Ronson is the male Kate Moss. Everything he deigns to touch is instantly cool and covetable. He's dated girl-about-town Daisy Lowe. He's produced the Amy Winehouse sound. And he's a snappy dresser.
So why stop at outmoded, nursery dishes? Here, some suggestions for other things Mark should make popular, if only to prove his awesome power:
1. Baggy y-fronts. Out with the D&G hardbodies wearing formfitting briefs, in with the slightly grey, washed-too-often Hanes.
2. Ear and nose hair. Ronson is only, like, 32 but that's OK. We'll wait.
3. Stamp collecting. Celebrity game trends are nothing new but Ronson has the star power to make philately a group activity. Think of it as the new dominoes or the new backgammon or the new not-wearing-knickers.
4. Smiley face emoticons and exclamation points. He could do it!!!!!!! ;-)
5. Dating Sarah Ferguson. Hmmm, but then again...
Here's one bit of coverage you might have missed in the past couple of days: an interview with MTV in which Obama responds to the question of whether there should be dress codes about saggy trousers.
This is particularly interesting to me because:
(1) I hate this look on boys and so the world's new black role model, the leader of the free world, etc shores up my own opinion, so I don't feel quite so not-down-with-the-kids.
(2) It demonstrates Obama's thoughtfulness on what we should and should focus on attention on and
(3) Is unquestionably the most "black" I've seen him in an interview. It shows just how cool he is, complementing the interviewer's "tight" dreads and using lingo that as a white woman I just could never use without appearing unredeemably uncool.
With Bonfire Weekend approaching, this is the hot topic amongst the kids. My partner-in-wine, Caroline, has been assured that they can’t by her daughter, Maddie.
“We’ll have to wait until Daddy gets back!” she wailed, on being told Caroline was going to have a go at a £15 assortment of Roman candles and rockets. I laughed at how lackadaisical and weak Caroline had been at quashing all notions of the patriarchy in her daughter – until I asked my kids, and found out they believed exactly the same thing, too.
“You can’t mummy – it might kill you!” Eavie cried; obviously convinced that I might be unbalanced by my breasts, fall over in a pair of glittery stilettos, land on a banger and burn to death. Further inquiries found that the “mummies can’t light fireworks” belief permeated nearly every child – and, indeed, every man.
“I can pop over for half-an-hour, if you like,” one of Caroline’s male friends offered, on hearing she was planning on going it alone vis-à-vis the blue touchpaper. God knows how single mothers cope. Presumably they are confined to organised council dos, by law.
Personally, I don’t want to light a firework, anyway. I never have, and I suspect I never will. Even sparklers make me nervous – I suspect being born in the era of those Public Safety adverts, with the kid in the parka having his face burned off, implanted a fairly immoveable fear. Even though I’m 33, and have done things like have four stitches in my foot, and met the Pet Shop Boys, jamming a rocket into an empty milk-bottle and aiming it at next-door’s roof is still one of the few things I still want my dad to come over and do for me, instead. (The other two are 1) cheerfully bang a dint out of a car’s bodywork with a huge hammer, and 2) shout "Dey do do, do dey?" whenever Ringo Starr appears on the TV.)
The Maldives has been transformed into a family-friendly destination and some people aren't happy about it, not happy at all. A few readers have responded to a Times travel article with comments about child-friendliness. Like this one from FJ, Sandown: Oh great, yet another holiday destination ruined by the current craze for being 'family friendly'. Why can't families with young children stick to Butlins or Disney World?
This is reminiscent of the discussion on AM about pubs and whether kids ruin the atmosphere (wetting their pants, crying, and throwing tantrums should be reserved for the adults, some folks seem to think).
Caitlin has asked is Disneyland compulsory for families?
I personally find child-oriented holidays a little dire from an adult perspective. We have been to Euro Disney and the kids loved it. But that's not a child-friendly holiday - it's a child-devoted one.
The best family holidays are the ones where we aren't relegated to buying them things and we do things we all like: swimming, mini-golf, horseback riding, play card games together. When my children get older I want to take them to Taos during the summer to go hiking and visit the Pueblos like I remember doing with my mum and dad. I wouldn't schedule a cocktails-and-poolside getaway with them. I would just want to read and nap and their cries of "I'm bored" put me right off my daiquiri.
Have we simply as a society come to expect to do everything with our children - out of guilt or misplaced enthusiasm - and therefore don't acknowledge that sometimes grown-ups need to do grown-up things and kids, kids things (while also allowing kids to be seen AND heard)?
I know, as an American, I have a particular interest in tonight's results. I'll be going to a friend's house to eat pizza, nibble Krispy Kreme donuts, watch the results on TV and obsessively check the web for information about polling stations in towns I've never heard of. All my American friends are so twitchy about what's going to happen today that they can barely sit still (or work - I'm getting emails every couple of minutes).
But I'm wondering, fellow Alpha Mummies, are you interested in the election night drama or simply tuning in tomorrow for the results? Or washing your hands of the whole thing?
Tell us your plans.
* For up-to-date news of the election, visit Comment Central's Rolling Guide to Election Rumours
* Top 25 websites for following the results online
There’s no accounting for the credit crunch when it comes to a child’s Christmas list, and who knows, if we all spend all our savings this December we might be able to lift the economy out of this man-made disaster.
With that in mind, we have collated the top 10 most-wanted toys, drawing on the expertise of toy pickers from Amazon, Hamleys and Toys R Us.
This is not a list of the toys you think they should have – these are the expensive, plastic, squawking, anti-feminist, quite possibly very irritating creations that your child wants just as much as you wanted that Etch a Sketch.
1. Elmo Live
This is an update on the original Elmo doll, which rolled around and laughed. The new Elmo doll can cross its legs and tell jokes and stories. On first look, it is cute, but the squeaky voice and insistence on referring to itself in the third person could get annoying.
Age: 18 months and up
Price: £59.99 from Toys R Us
2. Chou Chou ‘My first tooth’ doll
Somehow this doll feels a little bit creepy. It has to have something to do with an inanimate object actually growing a 'tooth'. This creation cries so much that her cheeks go red. She can be soothed with a bottle and you can hear her suck on her dummy, and like many of these toys, giggles when you tickle her tummy.
Age: 36 months and up
Wallet watch: £27.99 from Amazon.co.uk
3. Pleo Robotic Dinosaur
Hailed as a major advance in toys, this dinosaur knocks the socks off Chou Chou and Elmo in terms of innovation - and pricing, it costs £199. It learns from its environment and can perform tricks. It even knows if you're ignoring it, making it the ultimate inescapable Christmas gift.
Age: 8 years and up
Wallet watch: £199.95 from John Lewis
4. Dance with me Tellytubby
This is Hamleys' hot pick. Short of dressing up in a Tellytubby costume yourself and prancing around in front of your children, you can't get much closer to giving your children a genuine Tellytubby experience. Children can play musical statues with the robot, which also blinks and giggles as it dances.
Age: 12 months and up
Wallet watch: £40 from Hamleys
5. Ben 10 Deluxe Omnitrix
In the cartoon, Ben 10 uses his Omnitrix watch to turn into alien life forms. There is no suggestion that this will actually turn the owner into an alien, but at least they can pretend.
Age: Four years and up
Wallet watch: £11.99 from Argos
6. In The Night Garden Upsy Daisy and her bed
Another TV-show spin-off. This time it’s the BBC and their smash-hit series In the Night Garden. Upsy Daisy comes with her own bed, which rocks her to sleep at night, and runs away during the day (you have to watch the series to find out why).
Age: 18 months and up
Wallet watch: £32.99 from Play.com
7. Retro toys
According to Amazon, this is a trend that comes back every year, with items like the Rubik’s cube always featuring in the online store’s top 10 sellers for Christmas. Whether it’s because we’re desperate for our children share the joyful fun of our own childhoods or just because we want to play with the toys ourselves is unclear. Surely it can be no coincidence that the Rubik’s cube, a 1970s classic, is being bought for kids by parents born in the same decade. Also tipped to be popular (again) is Lego and the Star Wars Clone Wars Trooper Voice changer.
8. Anything Dr Who
Timelord David Tennant may have just announced his retirement, but that doesn’t mean your children will be slacking off in their fandom for the resurrected TV show. Dr Who Classic Figures and the Dr Who Dalek voice changer are tipped to be big.
9. Anything High School Musical
Whether it’s a dance mat (Toys R Us are predicting this to be a big seller at £17.99), the High School Musical Sing Together dolls (£22 from Boots) or the fashion dolls, anything with the faces of those pesky kids emblazoned on it is sure to catch your children’s eye. Unfortunately for many mums, Zac Efron is sold separately.
10. Anything Hannah Montana
If you don’t know who Hannah Montana is, you’ll probably know who Miley Cyrus is, you are like, totally out of it. The young actress, daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, has won a place in pre-teen girls hearts as the character in a Disney series. Hannah also has a dance mat, as well as a feature doll that Toys R Us and Hamleys are tipping to be big-sellers.
By Corinne Abrams
Do families necessarily f*** you up? The Times asked the question last month in a piece about Philip Larkin's famous poem and in a Battle of Ideas panel this past Saturday Alpha Mummy discussed the problem with families in general.
After a brief presentation by the panel, which included me, the producer of Bringing Up Britain and Jenny Bristow, who writes Spiked's Guide to Subversive Parenting column, the panel and attendees discussed the state's intrusion into family life, the impulse to regulate it and what is family itself.
As demonstrated on Alpha Mummy, people as individiuals are incredibly open-minded about what constitutes a "family" and - in general - respectful of other people's choices within their family. It's when we start talking about groups (gym-skip mothers, same-sex parents) that everyone seems to get into an uproar.
One attendee in particular said something that's got me thinking: the family used to be a private entity that involved only those in it, now it's a semi-public entity that the government involves itself in, through regulation, law, professional advice-givers and even taxes.
It is negative, this attempt by government to try to regulate good relations, whether it's by telling us how to be parents or blaming mothers and fathers for everything their child does or considering whether women should be required to tell their husbands about abortions, in an attempt to construct good relationships from the outside.
In the end though, at the event I said that families don't screw us up. It's just that you have to wait until you're a parent to realise that dear old mum and dad were right after all.
Alpha
Mummy's
team
Jennifer Howze, mother of
one and stepmother of one, is Lifestyle editor of Times Online
Eleanor Mills, mother of two, is the Saturday editor of the Times
Caitlin Moran, mother of two,
is a columnist for The Times
Sarah Vine, mother of two, is
a columnist for The Times
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